


Glimmer In The Shadow

by curlsgetdemgurls, julesbeauchamp



Category: Outlander
Genre: Canon Divergence, Claire returns early, F/M, Outlander - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-13 14:52:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15367047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlsgetdemgurls/pseuds/curlsgetdemgurls, https://archiveofourown.org/users/julesbeauchamp/pseuds/julesbeauchamp
Summary: Jamie Fraser spent the last 12 years thinking about his wife, his love – Claire. Their parting on the eve of Culloden would haunt him forever. Changed by events in her life, Claire returns to the past – the 18th century, searching for her husband but when she finds him at Helwater… things don’t go as planned.





	1. A Ghost From The Future

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoy this new take on Jamie’s time at Helwater. It may not be your cup of tea at first this story will be filled with heartwarming moments between Jamie and Claire as we delve into what it would have been like had Claire returned earlier to the 18th century.

Our eyes met, understanding and trust silently conveyed to one another, and I pushed forward, my weight pressing down onto her. She was a delicate wee thing, her body fragile in my large, calloused hands. Her skin shone in the candlelight like white velvet, so soft and smooth. I couldn’t keep my eyes open as our bodies began to move together. It had been many years since I’d lain with a woman. To feel a feminine presence writhe with pleasure beneath me, my name whispered by a soft voice in complete abandonment, it filled me with a sense of power I never thought I’d have again.

I almost felt as I had my first time,  _not quite_ … But to be with a woman again in the most primal sense of the word, to give pleasure with my body and in return be given the same, it brought a weightlessness to my mind and body. 

She’d fallen asleep almost instantly once we came to completion, her body worn out from the unfamiliar sensation of having someone fill you so completely.  I glanced over at her, still curved towards me on her side. Her soft, curly brown hair was spread across the pillow. Geneva wasn’t Claire,  _would never be Claire_ , but she was the one connection to my humanity that I had left. I reached out for her and caressed my hand over the smooth slope of Geneva’s back, pushing her hair out of the way. I tried not to think of Claire,  _mo nighean donn_ , as I once called her. I had lost my heart when I sent Claire back through the stones, and I’d never get it back.

Claire was my first; my first real love, the only woman I’d ever fully given myself to both physically and emotionally. It was different with Geneva, no other word to describe it but… _less_. With Claire, there had been passion, a fire that roared to life when we came together. Running my fingers up Geneva’s back to touch the supple skin of her cheek, I realized I would never have that burning passion again. But with Geneva… she made me feel less alone, as though I could rebuild apart of myself I thought was gone forever. 

Since my arrival at Helwater, Geneva had tried desperately to get my attention. But I fought off my own desire for her and minded my own by throwing myself into my work as a groom. As time progressed, however, I couldn’t deny the lust I had started to feel towards Lady Geneva, and her resemblance to Claire didn’t help in the way of things. 

Lust and love are two very different emotions,; if one is lucky, you will find a person who evokes both in you. A soul engulfing passion that consumes your being, constantly making you want more, and I had that with Claire. Since she left, I had felt like a stranger in my own skin and with all the pain and the heartbreak that followed her departure, I had to force myself to go on. Geneva eased my despair and made me a little bit human again. Able to feel something, the tiniest thing in order for me to keep going. It wasn’t much, and it surely wasn’t love but it was enough.  

______

The journey down the long alley to reach the castle always took a few minutes, even in a carriage, and the autumn leaves graced the path in front of them as the sky darkened, a rainstorm menacing to start any second. When I had first arrived at Helwater two years ago, I was Mackenzie, groom and Scottish prisoner. Now, I was James, a respectable Lord, and newly married to Lady Geneva. I never intended to remarry, even less to someone I did not love and surely not after Claire and the memories we shared - the happiest of my life - but that night with Geneva, we conceived. I had willingly gone to her room, full of lust, and now I had to face the consequences of my actions. I allowed myself to enjoy, selfishly, and God was punishing me for it. 

It hadn’t been terrible, that night we lay together –quite the opposite– a body needs human contact to survived and after years alone, I was blind with need. In the weeks that followed, I was filled with the fear that I would be sent away, forced to leave this child behind – another child. But it was Geneva’s idea to marry, to protect her reputation as well as her family’s. Lord Dunsany had arranged a marriage between Lady Geneva and Lord Ellsemere, the idea of his daughter marrying a stable lad was unspeakable. I didn’t see how we would come through this on the other side.

 

Threatening to share the truth of the child’s real father, Geneva persuaded her father and Lord Dunsany reluctantly agreed to let us be married. That was five months ago when I learned the news that I was to become a lord. I thought about running away but I couldn’t leave the only opportunity I had to raise my own bairn. Geneva had been kept hidden in the house – since our wedding wasn’t official yet, the child would be looked upon as a bastard. 

Two weeks ago, we were married in a church near the Dunsany’s estate. It was a small affair, joined by immediate family and of course Lord John. He was the only one who knew about Claire, not the all of it of course but  _enough_  to remember.

 

I held Geneva’s hand lightly as we approached the castle, her temper’s were becoming more frequent as the pregnancy progressed. Hesitant to disturb her delicate disposition, I spoke very little on the journey home from our honeymoon in France. I simply wanted to be lost in my thought and to the memory of the only wife in my heart.  _Claire Elizabeth Fraser._

 

We rolled up to the entrance and came to a stop. Immediately, servants came to our aid or mainly to Geneva’s aid. It was still odd for me to accept help from people I had once considered my equal in status, that was no longer the case. I’ll never forget what I saw next as soon as I stepped out of the carriage. It was like she was there with me, the ghost of my love,  _My_   _Claire_. 

 _Sorcha_ , the beaming of light in the shadow that had become my life. Claire came to me often, in my dreams at night, pregnant with our bairn -  _she was so beautiful, with her crazy curls framing her face and her round belly_ \- and during the day, she would always watch me with  _that_  look, the corner of her mouth curled up into the sweetest smile and her whisky eyes beaming with love. But this time, it was different. As we walked past her, Claire didn’t disappear…and the look in her eyes was a mixture of surprise and heartbreak.

______

The day I left Jamie was also the day my heart stopped beating but I did not have a choice. I carried our love inside my womb and I had to protect it at all cost, no matter how much it hurt to leave the love of my life behind to die on the battlefield of a war we didn’t manage to avoid. 

When I came home to Frank, he took me back and brought me to Boston, without asking many questions and accepted the fact I was carrying another man’s child. But the only thing I had left of Jamie never came to be and I felt like I was suffocating in a life I did not want, with a man I did not love. I moved back to Scotland, Mrs Graham kindly helped me to get back on my feet and I enrolled myself in medical school. It was the only thing that made me go on. Jamie and our unborn children were ghosts keeping me company and giving me the strength to go on every day, I was the only one who could make their memory live on and I would do just that. 

Over the years, I developed a routine around my work and I could deny the hole in my heart during the day. Until one day, when I found evidence of Jamie’s survival at Culloden and I couldn’t deny my destiny any longer. I had help, of course, Reverend Wakefield’s son, Roger, loved history as much as his adoptive father and helped me with my research on Jamie. It took us weeks, some days I thought we would never find him, but then, we did it.   
  
 _Helwater, 1758._

I left my life in the 20th century one last time, willingly, to go find my love in England. I had not much thought of a plan other than showing up there and asking to see Mackenzie, that’s the name Jamie used. As his wife, I had the slightest hope they would let me in. 

The nights that preceded and followed my arrival in the 18th century were fed with doubts. Jamie might have moved on, Jamie might not love me anymore, or worse, Jamie might have forgotten me but I had to take a leap of faith. After all, he was all I had left in this world. 

The estate was impressive, the long path to the castle seemed endless and was dressed with the fallen autumn leaves. Some were the Colors of Jamie’s hair and the memory of the feel of his soft curls wrapped around my fingers warmed my heart. I was here now, there was no point in turning back.   
  
At the doorsteps was a line of servants waiting for someone, I guess who would be the Lord of the estate and their faces frowned upon my arrival. One of the maids, I assumed by her clothes, walked towards me, a polite smile on her stern face.

“May I help you, ma’am?” The lady asked with a thick British accent. At least here I was not really an outlander.   
  
“Yes, I am Claire Beauchamp,” I thought if Jamie was going by Mackenzie, I shouldn’t use my married name. “I am here to see…” Before I had the time to finish my sentence, a carriage at stopped and servants had hurried to it. My curiosity made me turn around and rudely stopped the conversation I was having.

 _What I saw next broke my heart in two. It was sharp, neat and I felt dizzy.  
_  
Jamie came out of the carriage first, dressed as well as he was when we were back in Paris, years ago. He offered his hand to someone still in the carriage and she came out. Young, beautiful and pregnant.  _Very pregnant_. I couldn’t talk and even less breath. I felt like my body was held down underwater, without a chance to come up for air. I was sure I was dead, yet, I could feel so much pain, I was sorely mistaken.   
  
I will never forget the look in his eyes when Jamie saw me. He smiled softly at first as if I was a ghost he had seen often, walking past me but when he realised I was there, flesh and bones, something flicked in his eyes and he fainted.


	2. A Familiar Face

_Life never goes according to plan. I never intended to fall through time, ending up two hundred years in the past but I had. I never expected to find the love of my life there and to abandon my first husband without a second thought, yet I had. I never thought I’d be back in the 20th century, leaving Jamie behind to die on a battlefield while I was pregnant with our child but yet again, life has a way of being unexpected.  I didn’t think I would do it all over again, that Jamie would be alive and well, but he was so I took a chance, letting fate decide._ **  
**

Once Jamie fainted, every feeling of doubt or anger I had disappeared. Slowly beginning to process it all, dizziness washed over me and I had to swallow back my tears as I saw Jamie lying on the ground. My doctor’s instinct took over and there was nothing I could do to stop myself from moving towards him. The maid’s hand ran over him, trying to wake him up with a couple of cheek pats and before I could control myself, I stepped in. “Let him breathe! He needs air!”

Everyone stepped away, looking at me and I kneeled down. It wasn’t how I expected to see Jamie again after twelve years but this would have to do for now. We had a lot to talk about and I wasn’t going to let him die on the spot like a coward without facing me. I controlled my shaking hand as best I could, pressing my fingers to his neck, I found his pulse. His eyes, a deep fathomless blue, opened instantly when my fingers touched the warm skin of his neck, flush with perspiration. He looked at me with a mixed expression of awe and confusion. “He needs to lay down on a bed, not the ground,” I said, looking at one of the maids and in no time, three butlers had appeared to take Jamie away from me.

Weakly, I stood, the eyes of intrigued servants still very much on me. It took me a few seconds to realise his earlier companion had disappeared inside the house, even before Jamie had been carried in.

“Are you here for the physician position then, ma’am?” One of the maids asked me politely.

“The physician position?” I wanted to yell no – I was here to see my husband but instead, I simply nodded like a compliant child. After all, this might be the only solution if I wanted to see Jamie. “Yes, right. I am.”

“Please, follow me” Her face relaxed and I noticed a slight smile before she led me inside the property.

Following her, I looked around at my surroundings and noticed the expensive pieces of furniture and the walls adorned with what I assumed were paintings of the family. I tried to ignore the gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like I had when I first fell through the stones, so many years ago, but I couldn’t. Everything had been so different then,  _yet_ , even if Jamie was in this house, the unknown feeling of my situation reminded me terribly of those early days in the 18th century. _I knew where I was but I had no idea what I was doing._

The maid stopped abruptly and consumed with memories of my past, I almost bumped into her. “Please wait here, I will inform Lord Dunsany of your presence.” She disappeared through the corridor, leaving me alone with my thoughts for the first time since my arrival.

Lord William Dunsany, master of Helwater. That’s what Roger Mackenzie had said during our research and now finally, I would put a face to the name. I waited for a few minutes, my mind outside of my body, screaming for me to run away, to leave and to go back to my life in the 20th century. I didn’t even know if my body could endure another trip through those goddamn stones but even dying seeming like a better option to my current state.

The maid came out of the only door in the corridor and instructed me I could go inside. I should have run for the exit but instead, I made my way inside the room where a man waited by the window, his own thoughts occupied by something. I cleared my throat and he turned towards me. Lord Dunsany was not very tall and quite round, with grey eyes and grizzled hair but the smile he gave me was kind and welcoming, even if he seemed surprised to find a woman now standing before him. “Welcome to Helwater, Miss…?”

“Beauchamp,” I said softly, returning the smile as best as I could.

“Eleanor informed me you were here for the physician position? You may have a seat” He pointed to a chair in front of the desk and I sat, putting my small but well equipped, the medical kit I had packed for the voyage on my lap.

“Thank you and yes, I am, my Lord.” I prayed it was the right term to use and brought my eyes up to see his delighted expression as he took a seat.

“Well, I must say I was really not expecting a woman, pardon me if I have some doubts about your abilities, it’s just that women are not usually… in these roles.”

My face held no expression but inside, I winced, the mindset of the 18th century was not something I had particularly been fond of, with very sexist views on what women could or could not do. But even in my own time, the idea that a woman could be anything other than a mother and housewife was still developing. “I understand this is a surprising prospect but I trained with my uncle who was a renowned doctor in Oxford for years and he gave me the best possible education about medicine” I lied with a smile. “He passed away a couple of years ago and I took over his role…”

“Why did you stop, then?” He interrupted me.

“Heartbreak, my lord,” I said simply, looking at him.  “I lost my husband, then my child and I had no will to continue living in the city. It was too full of devastating memories for me, I simply needed a change.” I prayed my glass face wouldn’t give me away and the way his face softened told me I might not have been such a bad liar after all. I was also aware of what ends I was ready to go to talk to Jamie one last time. I needed an explanation before disappearing and fleeing from this disaster.  

“You have lost a child?” He said softly. His eyes full of a sadness I recognized in my own every time I looked at my reflection.

“Two. No matter how long ago it was, the pain of losing a child never leaves you.”

“No, it doesn’t,” He said softly “We lost our eldest son, Gordon, at Culloden. There is not a day I do not think of him.”

_Culloden. The goddam battle had ruined the lives of so many people._

“I am sorry about your loss, my Lord.” And I truly was.

“And I am sorry about yours, Mrs Beauchamp,” He said sincerely, his mouth curling up into a sympathetic smile. “Eleanor told me my son in law fainted upon his return, as you saw. I suppose since you are a physician, you could take a look and make sure everything is alright with the lad? I am sure you will be of great service here, at Helwater.”

Son-in-law.  The words sank deep, so deep, they penetrated the tissue under my heart like a twisting knife, I barely registered what he was saying until he cleared his throat and Lord Dunsany had gotten up, waiting for me “Mrs Beauchamp? Are you alright?”

I nodded, looking at him. I hoped I would wake up from this nightmare at some point “Yes, I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“If you could take a look at Alex then, and make sure he is alright? I don’t want my eldest daughter to become a widow so early on in her marriage” He joked and I wanted to slap that crude smile off his face.

“I told the maids he needed to lay down, I don’t know where they brought him” I admitted, getting up, clutching my medical kit almost too tightly in my hand. It took all the strength I had left for my knees not to give in under my weight as I made my way outside the room with Lord Dunsany.

“In his room, dear. Where else should have he been brought up?” He asked amused and I faked a smile in return.

I had prepared myself to see Jamie again, and no matter the doubts I had, I had hoped it would be a happy reunion, where I could finally find the missing piece of my heart. Of all the things I had imagined, this was by far the worst. Jamie was married and about to become a father. What the hell was I still doing here?!

Love makes you do all kind of things. Some are sweet, some are romantic and yet, sometimes, some are wounds that are completely self-inflicted. My body ached, my soul hurt and yet, I stayed. I needed to hear Jamie utter the words, tell me he didn’t love me anymore himself and then, I would leave.

“Eleanor will bring you to James’ room, let her know if you need anything. And afterwards, she will show you your own room, if you are of course accepting the position.”

“I am, thank you” I faked a smile again and followed the maid, Eleanor. Worried I might faint myself, I held the wooden stair railing tightly and focused on putting one foot in front of the other but once I stood in front of Jamie’s room, I didn’t know where it had been hiding but I found the strength within me to go in.

“Will you need anything, ma’am?” Eleanor asked me kindly, opening the door to the room. “There is already cold water and a cloth on the bedside table”

“That should be enough for now, thank you. I’m sure it’s nothing to be alarmed of” I said absently, walking in the room. She muttered something about waiting in the hall and closed the door but my eyes were glued to Jamie, laying in bed and the maid was the last thing I cared about right now. His eyes were closed and he appeared to be asleep, only muttering strange things in Gaelic. I could still leave, I could run away and I almost did. I turned around and placed my hand on the doorknob, slowly twisting it to get the door open but a familiar voice called for me.

“Claire” His voice made me freeze on the spot. “Dinna go just yet, mo chridhe.” He said softly. I could tell Jamie was in a daze, probably thinking he was hallucinating my return. I turned around and slowly made my way towards the bed.  _Jamie’s room._  Surely he wasn’t sharing it with his new bride, and the simple thought of Jamie in a bed with another woman made my stomach clench.

For the first time in twelve years, Jamie was there, flesh and bones, within reach and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to touch him.  _I was numb_. The man that brought me so much joy now had broken my heart into a million pieces. I was mad towards him but also towards myself. I presumptuously expected him to wait for me when I was never supposed to show up here again and yet, he thought I wouldn’t look for him the second I knew he was alive.  _Bloody Scot!_

I spent the next couple of minutes simply watching him. Taking stock of what had changed and what had stayed the same. He still looked like the dashing highlander I had met all those years ago but there was something different about him. Of course, I knew he had spent several years in prison and at least seven years in a cave alone, that takes a toll on the body and mind but what I always admired about Jamie was his strength. He had been broken more than once and each time, he recovered from it.  

I finally took the cloth and drenched it in cold water, enjoying the feeling on my own skin. Slowly, I turned to Jamie, who was still half unconscious and mumbling Gaelic words and prayers under his breath and laid the cloth on his forehead. He had no fever, I didn’t even know why I was doing it but the cold brought him back, his eyes adjusting back to the light coming from the window.

“Ye’re really here” He whispered, incredulous, once he saw me again. “Claire.” The sound of my name on his lips once again, so familiar and yet now… tinged with heartache and betrayal.

I stayed silent and watched him, tears I didn’t know I had, slowly rolled down my cheeks.

Jamie sat up slowly, his eyes glued on me “Ye’ve come to me so often. When I dreamed sometimes. When I lay in fever. When I was so afraid and so lonely I knew I must die. When I needed ye, I would always see ye, smiling, with yer hair curling up about yer face. But ye never spoke. And ye never touched me. But Christ, Claire, ye are here” He whispered, his voice full of hope.

“I’m not staying” I finally said, my voice cold and shaky. “I don’t even know why I’m still here, your head is surely thick enough not to get a concussion.”

Jamie reached for my hand but I took it away at once. “ _Do not_  touch me,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Sassenach,” Jamie called me and my lips pressed tight together, memories of our life flooding my mind.

“Don’t call me that…” I finally met his stare, “Please. I can’t bear it.” And  _I couldn’t._  The thought of the other  _sassenach_  as his wife made my blood boil and gave me nausea. I stood from the bed to retrieve a fresh cloth and dipped it in the icy water. “Jamie,” his name came out choked like it was his own hands strangling me, “How?” was all I managed to say.

A deep sigh came from the bed, the sound of a body shifting on the covers, “If I’m bein’ truthful wi’ ye, Sasse–,” he paused, “I dinna know how it got this far, well, of course, I do know how the bairn–”

“Please don’t mention that…  _that child_.” I swallow and took the damp cloth back to Jamie on the bed and handed it to him, to touch him would be too much at the moment.

He took the cloth out of my hand, his fingers brushing ever so slightly against mine, “Sorry. Ye must know I never thought I’d see ye again… I dinna think ye’d ever come back to me.”

I crossed my arms, mostly as a way to try and protect myself from reaching out and touching him, something I’d longed to do for twelve long years. Suddenly, Jamie gasped, the cloth falling out of his hand.

“What? What is it, Jamie?” I sat on the bed, concern spread across my face and inevitably my hands pressed against the skin of his forehead.

“The child…” he whispered, “Our child, Claire. If ye’re here… “ tears filled my eyes and I could not hold his gaze.

Just as I was about to tell him of the fate of our second child, our love, a knock came from the door and stopped me.

“John,” Jamie said from beside me and I abruptly stood, my hands quickly leaving his face, itching to touch more of him but that could wait. I stepped away and quickly dried my cheeks.

“Ah James fainted on the lawn they told me. Thought I’d come up and check on you, friend.” This man, John, stood in the doorway, blocking my exit. He then noticed me for the first time and held out his hand for me to take.

“Where are my manners, miss. I am Lord John Grey, a close friend of Mr Mackenzie and you are the new physician I presume?” He held my hand firmly in his grasp and I took in his physique, slender and somewhat familiar.

I cleared my throat, shaking his hand and then releasing it, “Yes, I just accepted the position here. I’m Claire… Claire Beauchamp.” An odd look crossed John’s face –  _recognition?_

“Claire,” John whispered and he looked over at Jamie and I followed his gaze to the big Scot lying on the bed. Jamie simply nodded and in that small and silent communication, I realised that Jamie and John were more than just close friends, for surely if my name meant anything to Lord John Grey then Jamie had told him about me, told him about us.

John turned his gaze towards me once more and swallowed “But you…you’re dead?”

_I was in fact not dead but I wished I were._


	3. The Oath

I should have ran away, left the estate and never looked back but I stayed. I had nothing to return to, I was a nomad once more, without an anchor,  longing for a home and for Jamie  _\- or at least the ghost of the man he was back then. My husband._ I hated him with all my being but there was something keeping me here –something I couldn’t fight. 

_Madness, most likely._ **  
**

I spend the next weeks outside of my body, living my life as an observer while my hands worked for me. I couldn’t leave until I had talked to Jamie and it has proven to be a task more difficult than expected since he had left soon after my arrival on an extended trip, something to do with horses, I believed. My duties as the Helwater physician were quite extensive. The estate was rather large, covering acres of land and most days I was out in the stables, pulling out splinters or bandaging cuts. Of course… I also was responsible for checking on Geneva, during the pregnancy. A task I did with gritted teeth and a heavy heart.

I was just on my way to her bedroom, thankfully it was not the same room that I had previously attended Jamie in, that answered my first fear. Geneva was very ill-tempered and the pregnancy did little to help appease her bad attitude.

_If Jamie willingly went to her…_

Letting that thought go, I took two deep breaths before entering her room with a soft knock on the thick wooden door. “Lady Geneva,” I spoke quietly.

“Yes! I’m here, where else should I be?” She scoffed from the bed, her legs propped up on a pile of pillows. I had seen expectant mothers and this one didn’t look too thrilled about her situation.

“I’ve come to do the normal check on the baby,” if I put the thought out of my head that this was Jamie’s new bride, then I could almost treat her a just any other patient.  _Almost_.

“Have you been doing those exercises I told you about? For breathing?” I asked, coming to stand beside her bed. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was the same bed that Jamie and her….

_Stop it, Beauchamp!_

“I’ve done them a few times but I had other important things to do,” she was so… bratty. There was no other word to describe her. A privileged young heiress all her life, Geneva barely had to lift a finger, everything was done for her. This was not exactly who I had in mind when I thought about the slight possibility of Jamie remarrying, but I had not much thought of such a possibility, either.

“Well,” I said, moving my hands over the top of her large stomach, “the baby is very important, you need to take care of it and yourself. When the time comes for the delivery, the breathing exercises will help.” I pressed against the swell of her belly, checking for any signs of concern. I wasn’t exactly well practised with childbirth, the last baby I had helped deliver was Jenny and Ian’s daughter Maggie… a lifetime ago. But as a doctor, I had taken _an oath_  and I had to act as if I was only here as the physician, even if I was not.

“Nothing abnormal. Everything will be fine if you stay on bed rest and you don’t strain your body with unnecessary exercise” I added.

“You mean sex, don’t you? It’s not like my husband touches me very often anyway.” Geneva spat out, rolling her eyes. “To be honest with you, it only happened once and look at me now.”

_Once._  The thought of them together drove me mad but her confession eased my pain a little bit.

If she expected me to be sorry for her, she could wait a very long time. I simply stayed silent and removed my hands, trying my best not to clench them into fists, “I’ll come and have another look in two weeks. Within the next weeks, you should be ready to deliver.” I gave her my polite doctor smile and turned to leave her. There was no need for me to stay and chat. Besides, what would this child even have to say?

_Her age_ , that’s what bothered me most. Besides the fact that Jamie was in fact married to another woman, it was Geneva’s youth that was the first blow. I was already insecure about my age, another twelve years older since the last time I’d seen Jamie.  Throughout my journey to return to him, self-doubt crept in and I couldn’t help but wonder if Jamie would look at me the same as he once did.

I’d seen that look, however, just before he fainted. That’s what kept me here, what made me stay. Before Lord John interrupted us, Jamie and I had only just started talking. I needed more, I needed to hear his reasons for marrying her. I knew it must have to do with getting the young girl pregnant but still…

It also bothered me that I felt such things as anger when I thought of Jamie. It was selfish of me to think he would not love anyone else, that he would close off his heart, never love again, just because I had. Jamie was a passionate man, he had been when he was with me, there was no denying that. But there was something off between him and Geneva, something more I needed to understand and with the young lady’s revelations, my curiosity grew even more while my heart eased a little bit.

Rounding the corner to return to my surgery, I bumped into a small young woman. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! I’m so sorry,” my hands flew to my heart. I looked her up and down, she was pale with green eyes and a warm smile on her face.

“I do apologize, I didn’t mean to startle you.” She admitted, amused by my expression. “I don’t believe we have met? I’m Isobel Dunsany” She introduced herself and I grasped she was the second daughter of Lord Dunsany and his wife, Louisa. She looked like the complete opposite of her sister, a kindness radiating through her eyes.

“Claire Beauchamp” I smiled in return.

“Doctor Beauchamp. That’s what I’ve heard from my father, he can’t stop talking about the new physician. I think he’s very impressed by you”

“Thank you,” I said politely and managed to smile again. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to my surgery” I started to walk again.

“I know who you are,” Isobel said simply, making me stop in my track.

Slowly, I turned around, my heart racing in my chest and pounding in my ears.“Excuse me?”

“I think you and I should talk, somewhere in private” She pointed to the door of my surgery and I simply nodded, absently following her inside the room.

“I do hope you don’t think I intrude,” She asked, looking at me “John Grey and I are engaged to be married, in case you didn’t know”

“No, I did not,” I admitted.

“And well” She smiled, “I noticed the way Alex’s, I mean James’, eyes sparkled last night while my father kept talking about you at supper. There was something in them I had never seen before…As we talked during our evening walk, I pointed it out to John and he told me everything. Of course, I already knew about Jamie’s past, how he came to be here and all but I never knew he was married before.”

“He was,” I said softly, looking at my hands. _Married to me, for three years._  What had started as a marriage of convenience had turned into the greatest love affair of my life. What if it was the same for Jamie and his new bride? I couldn’t bear to think of this now. 

“We were married until the battle of Culloden, Jamie went to fight with his men and sent me away. I thought he was dead…until a few months ago. I didn’t know he had remarried or I would have never shown up here.” I admitted frankly.

“The marriage was…unexpected. My sister was engaged to another man, you see.  Lord Ellesmere, much older than her but she wanted James, from the moment he arrived and started working in the stables. And the truth about Geneva is, when she sets her mind onto something, she would do anything to get what she wants.”

_Apparently, we had one thing in common._

“And she wanted Jamie.” I looked up at Isobel, I could hear the utter disgrace she had for her sister in her voice and I shared it.  “I surely can’t blame her for it, nor him, for that matter. There was no way of knowing that I would return, Jamie  _– Alex,_  didn’t even know if I was still alive, if anyone is to blame, it’s me for ever coming back here in the first place and assuming a situation.”

“I don’t believe you should blame yourself for coming back to find your husband, Claire. If you believe there is anything resembling love from Jamie towards my sister, you’re sorely mistaken. I do believe he ended up in this situation by pure recklessness.”

“You shouldn’t speak in his name, Lady Dunsany.” Crossing my arms, I turned around towards the window, swallowing my tears.

“Please Call me Isobel, I’m your ally here, you can trust me.” I felt the warmth of her hand on my arm “I am not speaking for Jamie, I do believe he will tell you that himself the minute he’ll be back and alone with you. I am not a master when it comes to love but the look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know.”

“What makes you think I want to talk to Jamie?” I asked, eyes still fixed on the horizon. 

“You are here, are you not?”  I simply turned my head to look at her, my eyes shining with unshed tears “You could have left but you didn’t, surely it means something” 

It did mean something, perhaps I was foolish to wait any longer for an explanation from Jamie but after all… he was the love of my life. And I needed to hear him explain. However, it would take Jamie begging on his hands and knees for me to forgive him for this, for what he’s done to us.

______

Isobel and I became fast friends. Besides John, she was the only person I could talk about Jamie with and who promised to help me to see him again once he would be back. Compared to her spoiled sister, Isobel was kind and carried her heart on her sleeve. I could always count on her whenever I needed to talk to someone and I cherished our moments together. I never knew what having a sister felt like, but I guess it must have felt something similar to this.

A couple weeks later, the moment I had been dreading finally came. Eleanor ran into my room in the middle of the night, a small candle in her hand, “Mistress Beauchamp, it’s Lady Geneva, she’s feeling some discomfort, you must come quickly.” Discomfort during a pregnancy was quite normal, feet aching, back pain. The real question was if she had gone into labour.

Grabbing my medical box, I rushed down the hall and up the flights of stairs until I reached Geneva’s room. There were several servants already running in and out, fetching fresh water and cloths. “Excuse me, please.” I pushed everyone aside and went to check my patient. I was relieved Jamie was not here.

“Lady Geneva, have your waters broken?” I asked, attempting to lift up her shift, that was indeed damp.  _I turned my doctor mode on._

Compartmentalising was the first lesson taught in medical school. In order to be able to live your life, you have to remove yourself as much as possible from the situation and the patient’s condition.

_That bloody oath again. How much I regretted taking it now._

“My – my what?” She groaned, her face twisted in pain as what could only be a contraction surged through her body.

“Was there a sudden wetness…” I lowered my voice, mostly for her sake, “between your thighs before the pain started?” 

Nodding her head, she clenched the bed sheets in a tight grip, her back arching off the bed. This would be a fast delivery, it seemed her contractions were barely a minute apart. I turned and ordered the servants to fetch fresh cloth and took my position at the end of the bed. I instructed the other servants to leave the room at once. “Geneva, I’ll need you to move forward so I can properly reach when the baby comes, from what I can tell, the baby isn’t yet in the proper position” I looked at her, forehead slick with perspiration, “it won’t be long though.”

With another groan, she managed to slide down on the bed, her legs were trembling with what I assumed were the contractions and probably fear. I knew that fear myself when I was rushed to the hospital and told the news that my baby,  _Jamie’s baby_ , was stillborn, it flipped my world on its axis. Nothing compares to the loss of a child.

I couldn’t save my own child but I would be damned if I couldn’t save this one. This child would be the only way for Jamie to ever raise his bairn and I couldn’t take this away from him. 

Love is a selfless act, no matter how much I was trying to fight it, my heart still belonged to Jamie and there was nothing he could do, no amount of heartbreak that would change that. This heartbreak, however, would take time to heal.

Moments later it was time for her to push and using all of my medical knowledge, I began to coach her through it. Just because I hated her, didn’t like this situation I found myself in… there was no reason to make sure the delivery didn’t go smoothly, my oath to heal took over me again. Geneva pushed when I told her to, her body knowing just what to do but I could tell she was in no way prepared for this.  _A child shouldn’t have a baby._

With another breath, she pushed again and the room was filled with the cry of a baby. I quickly helped ease him out, cut and tied the umbilical cord and had one of the servants start cleaning the baby off. Geneva lay back against the pillow and I brought her a fresh wet cloth to wipe her forehead, “It’s a boy, a healthy baby boy.” I told her, sadness inevitably crept in and I turned back to the baby. Indeed, he was healthy, ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.

Geneva stayed silent while the child was away. Once he was washed and clean, I swaddled him in a small soft blanket and brought him to Geneva. “Would you like to hold him?”

“Um, sure” she sighed and held her arms open to receive the baby. She was weak and tired and she looked as if she didn’t know what to do as she held him. I watched her features change, staring at her son. I had never seen a new mother looking at her child with such a disgrace.

“I’m feeling very tired,” she looked up to me, “You can take him away, now” she held him out to me and I brought him to rest in the crook of my arms. I did not know what to do, other than leaving the room with the child.

As I turned back around with the baby in my arms, I saw Jamie standing just outside the door, his face like stone. I took one good look at him and then back at the baby I now held in my arms. The slanted Fraser eyes were the same. It pained me so to look at him, to hold this baby as I never got to hold mine. Breathing once in and out, I steadied myself, finding inside my body a strength I didn’t know I had and walked out into the hall.

Jamie’s eyes were on me for a long while before he dared to look at his son, the adoration was palpable, yet, there was a deep sadness in his eyes, resembling my own. “Your son… Mr MacKenzie.” I said softly and shifted the baby into Jamie’s arms. At Helwater, Jamie Fraser was Alex Mackenzie, a familiar stranger.

I took a few steps back to watch Jamie and his son and something inside of me cracked. At the beginning of our marriage, I never thought I’d love Jamie the way I did and even less have children with him and here I was, numb and heartbroken, in front of this man and his son.

“You’re a braw lad, son,” Jamie whispered to the tiny bundle in his arms. I simply watched the scene, unable to move. How could I hate a child who looked so much like his father?

_______

“Claire…”The name I didn’t bear to pronounce for twelve years burned on my lips. I still couldn’t believe she was really standing there. I didn’t know what was worse, her being away or having here near and not being able to be me with her: to explain how I ended up here, married to someone I did not love, a father to a child I did not want and most of all, not being able to love her the way she deserved. The misery I felt was nothing compared to how she might be feeling but her presence here reassured me that maybe, _just maybe_ , not all was lost.

_Sorcha._

“Don’t.” She said softly, her voice breaking and her whisky eyes not meeting mine. “I have to check on your wife.” She said the word with so much venom as she turned around to go back inside the room, and I couldn’t blame her. This was all my fault. 

“You are my wife, Claire,” I said softly, a tear rolling down my cheek and watched her walk away, leaving me alone. I hurt the person I loved most in this world – now I must live with it, the regret shall haunt me for the rest of my life. My marriage to Geneva was only because of the child, I never loved her and I never will. The only woman in my heart was Claire and once, I believed I would never be able to touch her, kiss her or simply talk to her but here she was, back to the eighteenth century– back to me. 

_I couldn’t lose her twice._


	4. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone leaving the nice feedback on this story and wanting more! We hope we don’t disappoint. Things are getting juicy…Enjoy <3

The few days following William’s birth passed in a blur. I lived in the shadows, avoiding everyone and everything, but my own reflection, carried by the messy flow that was my life at Helwater. I knew I had to face Jamie at some point but I was simply too weak, unable to do it just now. My love for him was equal to the hate I bared the situation and how we ended up in it. Part his fault for marrying Geneva and part mine, for showing up here. 

Burying myself in my surgery, I only came out whenever I was needed and put on a brave face. Isobel had been a tremendous help. I discovered she was fascinated by my knowledge of medicine, often spending her days with me, looking and learning the trades. **  
**

Geneva was in poor condition after the birth, she hadn’t left the bed since, weak and peaky, she showed not a single ounce of love for the newborn. Jamie was also having a hard time adapting to his son. I could tell he was torn between happiness and remorse. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do, I felt  _helpless_. The only thing I was sure of was the reason I was still here.  _Jamie_.

I was getting ready for my daily meeting in the garden with Isobel when Eleanor knocked softly on the door of my surgery and informed me about the baby’s indispositions. As I made my way towards Geneva’s room, I could hear the cries increasing and I took a breath. I walked inside the room at once to find Geneva in bed, the same position as all the other times I’d seen her, while Willie laid in his cot, cheeks red and wet with tears, his little arms and legs thrashing about.

“For God’s sake, someone takes him away from me, at once!” At that moment, I realized a spoiled child stays a spoiled child, even when it becomes a mother. I had no idea what Jamie found attractive about her but I would make sure to find out before I left this goddamn place.

“Lady Dunsany, I’m not the nanny,” I said firmly, watching her exasperated expression. It took all the power I had left not to kill her on the spot. Since the birth, her skin had lost all its colour and her mood was worse than usual -  _so I’ve been told._

“You’re a nurse, it’s the same goddamn thing! Just take him away, I can’t bear his incessant cries, I’m tired and I would like to sleep!”

“I am a doctor, not a nurse. I do not believe you would understand the difference, but still.” I said coldly “You do know that when a child cries it’s most likely because he needs something, right?” I bet she knew it, being a child herself, but I asked nonetheless.

Geneva glared at me, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “The nanny fed him and changed him. Just get him out of here, that’s what I need. Just give him to her when you find her, god knows where she is.”

For the sake of the baby, and because I couldn’t bear to stay in her room any longer, I carefully took William in my arms, wrapped in his blanket and made my way out. I could hear her sigh of relief and I rolled my eyes. No child deserves such a mother.  

William was a wee thing, as most babies are, his shiny brown eyes looked up at me, instant relief from the touch of someone who cared and the cries stopped at once. “That’s better, isn’t it?” I cooed down at him, “Someone just wanted a cuddle.” My hatred for Geneva ran deep but the baby was innocent in all of this, he needed to be loved and he sure wouldn’t be getting that from his own mother.

Memories of my first children, flooded my mind. Holding their too small body in my weak arms while silent tears streamed down my face. For whatever reason, the same song I had sung to both my daughters came back to me at that moment as I held William.

_“Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside,_

_I do like to be beside the sea”_

I rocked him gently, swaying back and forth as I slowly walked down the hall and away from Geneva’s room. My hand touched the soft smooth skin of his cheek and he smiled, those slanted eyes crinkling into creases. As I rounded the corner I heard a cough and looked up to find Jamie standing in front of me, his arms clasped behind his back.

“Hello, Mr. MacKenzie.” I said, aware that there were ears everywhere.

“How are you, Mistress Beauchamp?” He looked… almost pitiful. His deep blue eyes held a sadness I only saw in my own.

I shifted William in my arms and held him out from my body for Jamie to take, “As well as I can be.” Jamie came forward to take William from me, his strong arms easily holding him. 

For a brief minute, I forgot all the pain I had felt upon arriving here to this hell. As Jamie held William, whispering soft things in Gaelic, instinctively my head rested against his shoulder and I felt him tense. We hadn’t so much as touched hands in the past few weeks since my arrival and not much had the chance to have a proper talk. I realised my position and slowly moved away from Jamie. “I believe William has an upset stomach, that’s why he’s been crying all this time.”

Jamie held the child snug in one arm, his other hand going to lift back the thin material wrapped around his little body. I watched with some amusement as Jamie placed his large rough hand on William’s stomach. He began to rub his belly in slow circles, all while whispering in Gaelic. I couldn’t help but imagine him with our children and I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach, I held in my tears as long as I could but the wound had reopened and there was nothing I could do about it. Jamie looked at me again, his eyes piercing my soul and I whispered softly “I can’t do this”

“Claire…”Jamie whispered softly, I almost didn't’ hear him. His deep blue eyes held my gaze for a long time, and I drowned. I was unable to talk, to say what I felt, no matter how much I wanted to. At that moment, words failed me.

There was a sound of feet shuffling on the carpeted floor behind us who took me out of my thoughts,  I turned to find Eleanor walking towards us. “Mistress Beauchamp, there is a pressing matter that needs your immediate attention.”

“What is it?” I asked faintly, quickly wiping my cheek.

“Lord John’s brother has arrived, mistress. He was injured during his trip here and he is waiting in the living room alongside his brother, ma’am.”

Clearing my throat, I nodded “I will fetch my kit and be right there”

Eleanor nodded and disappeared as quickly as she came. From what I had noticed in my short time here, she never seemed to sit down and I wondered if she ever slept. I took one last look at Jamie and left without a word, towards my room. I remember John mentioning his brother, Lord Melton, way back when we first met, before Culloden. He was a young lad then, who thought I was an English prisoner of the Jacobites and who was ready to save my life, no matter the cost. Looking back, he was as much an ally then as he is to me now. I was truly grateful for his and Isobel’s friendship.

_I didn’t know where I would be without them._

Once I had gotten my kit, I made my way to the living to find John and his older brother waiting for me. “Ah, Doctor Beauchamp.” John smiled, pleased to see me. “Thank you for coming to the rescue of my big brother, Lord Melton. Also known as Harold Grey.”

“Nice to meet  you, Lord Melton” I smiled politely and noticed his bleeding arm wrapped in a dirty cloth and his stained uniform, my stomach clenched at the possibility of an infection, “What happened to you?”

“My horse decided to throw me off during my ride here. I landed on a rock and wounded my arm” Lord Melton explained, almost amused. 

“Did you fall on your head?” I asked, looking at his eyes. He seemed perfectly fine to me apart from his arm but better be safe than sorry. “And if so, do you feel dizzy and as if you’re about to be sick?”

“No I did not and I feel perfectly fine” He looked at me with a charming smile. “Just my arm, dear.”

I removed the cloth and inspected his wounded arm attentively. No matter what was going on around me, an injury always had the power to bring me back my concentration. I grabbed some alcohol, a clean cloth and started to clean Lord Melton’s arm “The cut isn’t too deep which is good but I will have to suture it so it will heal properly. I hope you’re not leaving soon, I will need to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t get inflamed”

Lord Melton placed his hand on my wrist, “I won’t be going anywhere.” His gaze made me nervous, not in a bad way but there was something to his touch. I finished sanitizing the wound and threaded my needle with the suture. “This will hurt a bit,” I told him, placing the needle just on the edge of the wound. He nodded silently, head turned away from my ministrations and I began to sew up the open wound.

Once I had tied off the suture and wrapped a clean cloth around his arm, his skin was a bit paler than it had been when I first arrived. “Thank you, truly Mistress Beauchamp.”

“You can thank me by making sure you don’t get an infection,” I said seriously.

“Will I get to see you again if I get one?” Lord Melton’s attempts at flirting with me were as pathetic as they were cute and it amused me more than anything else.

“I will have to check your arm again, anyway,” I said with a smile.

Harold Grey got up and offered me his uninjured arm “In the meantime, would you allow me the pleasure of your company for a walk? It’s a glorious day and it should not be wasted”

“You are right. I was about to go to the garden and pick some plants to make oils, you may accompany me” I nodded, packing my medical kit. It was a welcome distraction and the fresh air always did me some good. I realised the day was indeed gorgeous as we made our way into the garden in silence, passing by rose bushes and a large fountain that bubbled with fresh spring water.

“What brought you here Doctor Beauchamp?” Lord Melton asked as we turned a corner to another section of the garden. This question made me nervous, what could I say? My husband Jamie, who I left behind 12 years ago and now I’ve come back to claim him….  _No_.

“You may call me Claire, Lord Melton,” I smiled, twisting my hands together, “I heard about the physician position here and had hoped it would be the right fit.” I hoped he wouldn’t be able to see through my lie, Jamie always told me I had a glass face.

“Ah, that’s wonderful, well I know the Dunsany must be very pleased to have such a skilled doctor on their estate” Apparently, he couldn’t read my glass face. “And are you married? I see a ring on your finger…” he looked at my hands I had been twisting,

My heart sped up, Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, I had parted with Frank’s ring a long time ago but why hadn’t I taken off Jamie’s ring while I was here?!

_Here comes another lie, Beauchamp._

“I was once. It was years ago though.” I said and hoped that it would be enough to squash the subject completely.

“Are you married?” I asked quickly, trying to shift the focus off me.

“I once was, as well” He smiled sadly, his hand brushing against the fabric of my dress, “My wife…she died in childbirth” He confessed softly, leading us over to a small bench near the back of the garden and I sat beside him.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Lord Melton” And I was. I knew all too well the pain of losing a spouse and an unborn child.

“This is why I am not much alone at home back in London anymore. It seems that my wife is in every room, every corner, no matter how long it has been. Have you ever been to London, dear?”

I nodded, for once I didn’t need to lie.  “Yes, I have visited the city a few times. Quite extraordinary, isn’t it?”

“Oh, it is splendid.” He smiled “Samuel Johnson wrote: When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life and I do believe the fellow isn’t one bit wrong about this.”  

_London was indeed a magnificent city._

The place of my birth, of my parents’ accident, my marriage to Frank, but not a place where I felt at home. Then again, my home wasn’t a place, my home was a person. No matter where I was, no matter the circumstances, if Jamie was there, I was home.

“Mister Johnson is a wise man,” I said with a smile.

“That he is. Allow me to say you are quite lovely, Claire” Lord Melton turned to me, his hand pressed boldly against my cheek. It wasn’t altogether a bad feeling but it made me uncomfortable. I shied away from his hand, dropping my head to look down at my hands in my lap.

“Thank you, Lord Melton.” I looked up to see a flash of red hair across the garden, Jamie’s eyes fixed on us. His face might not give his emotions easily, I knew him all to well to know he was boiling with anger and jealousy inside.  _I shouldn’t start playing with fire…_ ”We shall do it again soon, now if you will excuse me, I had a previous commitment with Isobel before you arrived”

“Of course! I shouldn’t take up so much of your time” Getting up, Harold Grey smiled and offered me his hand and I took it, getting up in turn. “Thank you for the company on this walk. I will see you soon, dear.” Bringing my hand to his lips, his eyes looked at me and the sheer fact of his attraction to me amused me more than I could say.

“Watch that arm” As I was still aware of Jamie’s eyes on us, I simply pressed my lips on Lord Melton’s cheek “I don’t want to see an infection, remember?”

“I am not likely to forget” Lord Melton gave me another charming smile.

_____

After picking plants with Isobel, my mind occupied by the thoughts of Jamie for most of the afternoon, I intended to check on William. As I walked through the halls and up the stairs but that plan was stopped when I saw him. Jamie was walking towards me at the other end of the hallway before he could see me, I quickly turned around and started heading in the other direction.

“Claire!” He half shouted and I heard his footsteps, heavy on the carpet.

_Damn, too late._

I stopped and turned to face him, we were now standing off to the side of a long corridor, in a hidden nook.

“Claire – I’m sorry, I dinna know what to do, how to fix this.” Jamie moved closer to me, his hand reaching out to touch my arm but I pulled back.

“I don’t know… I – don’t know if this can be fixed, Jamie. I don’t even know why I am still here, reducing myself like this and being humiliated by the simply sight of your wife. I should leave,” I turned to walk back in the direction I had come, away from him and all this mess but I felt his hand grip my wrist and spin me back to face him.

“No,” he whispered, his face now a breath away from mine, “Dinna leave, Sassenach.” I almost choked when he called me that. I tried to pull my wrist from his grip but he was so much stronger.

“Let go of me!” I shouted, my leg kicked his shin and he flinched but only tightened his grip, “You - you bastard!” With my other hand, I slapped him across the face, all the tension that had been building released the moment my palm hit his cheek.

“Claire,” he groaned and wrapped both his arms around my waist and his mouth pressed against mine in a heated embrace. I struggled at first, not opening my mouth to him, not accepting him. But as his hands slid down my waist and fondled my arse, I melted into him. Every touch, every kiss of our life before came flooding back into my mind and my body took over.

I pushed back and he hit the wall hard behind him, making the pictures on the wall shake. My teeth bit into his lip, eliciting a deep moan. Our hands were busy exploring each other, tangled in knots of hair, pulling on clothes, scratching at the skin. As if we wanted to cause pain to the other all while drawing pleasure out of our lips.

Jamie’s thigh pressed in between my own causing me to involuntarily squeak. “There’s the wee squeakin’ noises I missed so much.”

“Did she make squeaky noises too?”  I asked, pulling at his hair and demanding an answer.

He shook his head, eyes blazing with desire, “No – no she didna make any kind of sound.”

I didn’t answer, instead, I kissed him again, my hands gripping his shoulders.

“I didna like seein’ ye wi’ Lord Melton,” he thrust his hips against me, making sure I felt his arousal.

“Did it make you jealous?!” I cooed, licking his bottom lip and pulling it between my teeth. “That’s quite rich, don’t you think?”

“Aye, it did. Ye’re mine, Claire.” He said hoarsely, his breath hissing. “Mine. Now and forever” He put his hand on my cheek, squeezing my mouth to his once again. I almost didn’t hear my name, my mind too occupied with the feeling of Jamie against me. I was beginning to lose myself to him once more. 

“Doctor Beauchamp?” Lord Melton called from down the hall and I panicked, pushing against Jamie to get him to stop.

“Let go of me,” I hissed, coming back to my senses, and he reluctantly dropped his hands, his breathing laboured as he laid his head back against the wall. 

I took stock of my appearance quickly and fixed my bodice where Jamie had been trying to get his hands in. My hair was a mess but when wasn’t it. I left Jamie, hot and bothered in the corridor, to his own misery as I turned and started walking back to my surgery where Lord Melton was waiting. I dared a glance back at him and saw that he was adjusting himself in his breeks and I felt quite proud of myself for making him flustered in that way. 


	5. First Wife

I hadn’t had a proper night of sleep in years and being at Helwater didn’t help matters much. The big estate felt too empty, the walls roaming with ghosts of the past and I wasn’t at ease. Tossing and turning, thinking loudly and being too afraid to succumb to slumber to dream of Jamie _– of us._ **  
**

Touching my lips, still tingling with the burning sensation of our kisses, I realised if Lord Melton hadn’t interrupted us, Jamie and I would have ended up naked on the floor in the big hall. Jamie wanted me as much as I wanted him and the simple thought eased my pain slightly. I decided I would occupy my mind writing in my medical journal, something I started since I arrived here and it provided a comforting distraction at night. Getting up, I lit a couple more candles and sat at the desk.

A soft knock at the door took me out of my task. Sighing, I closed the book “Come in” It wasn’t unusual for Eleanor to come and get me in the middle of the night whenever someone was sick or injured, I just prayed it wasn’t Geneva again. Since the birth, six days ago, she had been unwell, weak and tired but there was nothing I could do about it other than letting her rest and regain forces.

“Claire…” The sound of his voice paralysed me as I was getting up and I didn’t need to see the face to know who it was.

_Jamie._

I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath before slowly turning around. Every single time my eyes laid on Jamie, my heart started racing faster with every beat. It had been so since the first time we had met and things hadn’t changed. “What are you doing here?” I asked softly “Are you hurt?”

“No, I just wanted to see ye.” He said quietly, his body half in the room as if waiting for my permission to come in.

“You shouldn’t be in my room at this hour. Actually, you shouldn’t be in my room at all, Jamie.”

Crossing the room to where I was standing, he tried to touch me but I put my arm out to stop him, “I want to talk wi’ ye and that’s the only way I can do it wi’out Lord Melton all over ye.”

“Lord Melton ” I repeated the name and crossed my arms, glaring at Jamie. “Don’t you dare be jealous, Jamie. I think you lost that right the minute you married another woman.”

“Ye ken well enough why I married her” he scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Oh do I?! I don’t think I actually do, nor understand.” I rolled my eyes right back at him.

“I married her because of the bairn! She was engaged to another man but she somehow managed to pursue her father to marry me instead, I dinna ken how…” Jamie ran his calloused hands through his flaming hair, pulling it at the scalp.

“She does seem really persuasive, yes.” I interrupted him, anger slowly creeping upon me. “How did you end up in her bed?”

“I dinna think ye would ever be back, Claire! Or I dinna ken what I was thinking…”

I stalked forward, my finger pointing in his face, “You thought with your cock, that’s what you did!” I pushed against his groin with my hand and he grunted, “Let’s forget about me for a minute, after all, you thought you would never see me again. You married into a British aristocratic family, really?! After Culloden, and what happened to the Highlanders you know exactly what families like the Dunsany’s did to decimate your entire culture, our culture. And look at you now, a Lord.” I spat out and looked him up and down.

Jamie was covering his privates, protecting himself from another possible blow, “I thought I was going to die after ye left, it didna occur to me that maybe God had other plans, ye ken. I thought  I had the easy part but it turned out I had to live with yer ghost for the past twelve years. I felt like one myself, transparent in this world, erased. I lived in a cave, then prison and one day I got here and Geneva saw me.” He took a step towards me but I brushed past him and stood near the bed, “Aye, I shouldn’t have gone to her room, Christ! I will always regret this decision, even before ye showed up here. That night, I was selfish, thinking about my own pleasure and my own being, she was just an excuse to try and forget my pain. I never wanted a child out of lust and if ye believe for one second that I felt even an ounce of love for this spoiled child, ye dinna ken me verra well Claire.”

I bit my lip to stop the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks, “Maybe I simply don’t know you anymore. I thought I would arrive here and we would magically pick up where we left off but I was wrong. We’re strangers now.”

“We have never been strangers, Claire. Ye ken it as much as I do.”   

“Do ye ken how it feels to be wi’out a heart for this long?” He asked me.

“Do I know?! Yes, you bastard I know!” My anger took over me and I pushed him away forcefully with both hands on his chest, “Do you think I went back to Frank and lived happily ever after?! I tried to lie to myself, to think I could be able to live without you but I couldn’t! You were there, in every corner, in every shadow and in every breath I took and then…my baby” My voice cracked and my hands reflexively went to my stomach.

“Our – our baby,” Jamie corrected me, his eyes a hollow shell of what they were.

“Well you weren’t bloody there, were you! When I lost her –”

“Her? She was a lass?” Jamie stumbled and fell back against the wardrobe, “I didna know.”

“Yes, a baby girl.” I bit my lip to stop myself from crying, from picturing her small round face with a tuft of red hair. “I named her Brianna,” I moved closer to Jamie, not to touch him but to try and ease his pain. I had suffered the loss of our child twelve years ago but this pain was now fresh for Jamie, “after your father.”

“Aye, ‘tis no’ a very bonny name for a lass is it?” He laughed and then looked up at me, “I should have been there. But ye left me…”

“Left you?” I was shaking with anger, fighting for my tears not to spill down my cheeks and I wanted to rip out his heart “You forced me to go back! I would have gladly died at Culloden with you”

“Forced – forced ye? I did no such thing and ye know it,” he came forward and gripped my shoulders, “it was for the safety of you and our child.”

I knew he was right but that didn’t make me any less angry about the situation.

“You made me go!” I screamed at him, “I wanted to stay, to be with you, Jamie! Damn you!” I hit my hands against his chest and shook my head, curls flailing around. He grabbed my wrists to stop me but didn’t try very hard. I hit him over and over again, the feeling of my hands hitting his chest bringing me some solace.

“It’s your fault!” I screamed and the dam of tears broke free, spilling down my cheeks and neck. Jamie gripped my hands tighter and pushed me back against the wall with a thud.

“Aye, ‘tis my fault lass, I canna do much of anythin’ about it now. God I want ye,” he moaned and I pushed my hand into his hair, pulling on it to bring his face closer to mine.

“Damn you, Jamie,” my legs began to tremble as my desire washed over me, making me forget, making me want him so badly I felt that I would combust.

“I intend to have ye, Claire and I willna be gentle about it,” he groaned, his hands pulled at my shift, tearing the fabric and baring my chest to him. “Yer mine, Sassenach. I once told ye I was yer master,” he pressed his hot lips to my neck and I clawed at his back, reaching for purchase, “and I still am.”

“And I’m yours…Have me, Jamie, God have me!” I breathed heavily and Jamie grabbed my arms, pulling off the rest of my ripped shift and then I jumped on him, my legs wrapping around his waist as he tumbled to the ground with a loud thud. My legs straddled him as we both hurried to free him of the rest of his clothes.

“Can ye forgive me, Claire?” Jamie asked, his chest heaving and his hands gripping my sides so tightly I wanted to scream.

“Not yet, you bastard.” I tore at his breeks, undoing the laces and pulled them down to reveal what I had wanted for twelve long years. When I touched his cock, an inhuman sound escaped Jamie’s lips. He held onto my hips and rolled us over on the floor so he was on top and shimmied out of his breeks.

“I remember, Claire. I remember the way I made ye moan,” he bent his head and kissed my mouth, his lips burning against mine. “The way that yer body gave into mine,” his hands slid down in between us as he took a firm hold of himself and teased my entrance, “and when I slid inside ye,” my hips bucked against him as he finally slid his cock into me and I reached for his face to bring back down to mine.

I tasted blood as I bit into his lip and Jamie started to thrust so deep within me, I saw stars. The people we had once been, they were gone. Now in their place were two very broken people who were finding their way back to each other.

Using all my strength, I squeezed my thighs around Jamie’s waist and rolled on top of him, my walls clenching around him as I put my hands on his chest. “Ye did always like to be on top, Sassenach,” Jamie moaned, his eyes shutting and his head rolling back against the floor.

“God the sight of ye, yer breasts bouncin’ and yer hips rollin’,” he smacked my arse and squeezed it and I moved my hips in a figure eight movement.

“Christ, you feel good, Jamie,” I sighed as I picked up the pace, moving my hips in time to his breathy moans. Jamie sat up, his arms settling around my waist and I watched as he took my nipple into his mouth and sucked, his cheeks hollowing.

My hands ran through his hair, tugging on his curls but holding him to my chest. “I can’t much longer – I’m going to,” I moaned, throwing my head back and sighing. He thrust into me a few more times and I came undone, my walls quivering and my body filled with complete love for this man.

Soon after my own completion, I felt Jamie spill himself into me, cursing in Gaelic as he always did and he stiffened, falling back to the floor and I went with him, laying my head on his chest.

We laid on the floor in complete silence for a long time memorising what was different about the other over the years we spent apart, and what was the same. Jamie was right, we had never been strangers, not the moment we met, and not now. We had changed but the connection between our souls remained intact. His fingers smoothly stroked my curls while the familiar sound of his breathing soothed me.

After a while, I finally spoke: “Do you blame me for coming back?”  

“Why have you come back, Claire? To simply bring me word of our daughter’s passing or to be my wife, again?”

“A long time ago you asked me what it was between us…I said I didn’t know.”

“I didna ken either” Jamie whispered into my hair.

“I still don’t,” I admitted, looking up at his eyes, sea crashing against earth.

“But it’s still there.” Jamie’s index finger slowly traced my face, a tear slowly rolling down his cheek.

“It is, no matter what I do, it’s still here” I brushed off his tear “I came back now because before, I thought you were dead.”

“I meant to die…I tried hard enough.” He said softly.  

“I came back to be with you, Jamie. If I had known about your marriage, I would have never come back here but I wasn’t and I lived with the hope you still loved me the way you used to.”

“I have burnt for ye for so long, do ye not know that?”

“Do you want me to go?” I asked, suddenly paralyzed by the fear of leaving him again.

“No…I dinna want ye to go.” His grip on me was tighter as if he was terrified I would disappear “But I must know, Claire. Do ye want me? Will ye take me - and risk the man that I am, for the sake of the man ye knew?”

“Whoever you are, James Fraser…Yes, I do want you” And I did. Even after all the pain and the heartbreak, I wanted him more than I ever had. “But I must know. Did you ever fall in love with anyone else? After I left?”

“No,” Jamie said without a hint of hesitation “I never loved anyone but ye, sassenach. Only you,“ he said, so softly I could barely hear him. “To worship ye with my body, give ye all the service of my hands. To give ye my name, and all my heart and soul with it. Only you. Because ye ken my darkest secrets–and yet ye love me.”

“I only married Geneva for the bairn and I shouldn’t have. They dinna even bear my real name, Claire. Ye are my only love and my only wife.” Jamie brought my right hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the silver ring he gave me all those years ago. The key to Lallybroch and promise of our love, forever sealed before God.

“I never took it off”

“Claire…I would verra much like to kiss ye…May I?” His question made me smile, as we were laying naked on the carpet, passed the point of kissing but the nervousness in his voice and the sheer childlike look in his eyes made me melt and I simply nodded.

When our lips touched, it felt like the very first time we kissed…on our wedding day. I was so scared, then, marrying a man I didn’t know for protection. Little did I know the impact it would have on me for the rest of my life. Jamie had stamped my heart for eternity and I was now able to breathe again.

________

I watched Claire sleep for a long while, memorising her features  _– mo nighean donn_. She had fallen asleep in my arms and I had moved her carefully in bed, but not being able to leave her, I took the place next to her. I had always loved to watch her, wondering what she might be dreaming of…if I was part of it all. For the longest time, I had felt empty, broken, and alone, trying to seek an alternative to my sorrows when in fact, I knew nothing  _– no one but Claire –_  could make me whole again. I often wondered what I did to deserve her, I dinna think I would ever know the answer but as she was back in my arms, I swore I would never let her go again.

I knew I had no right to be jealous of Lord Melton but she was my wife. If anything, these feelings of jealousy were a sign to my heart that I could still love and that I had no’ felt love with Geneva, I had felt nothing  _at all_. My heart burned for Claire in ways it did not with anyone else. And that fact alone gave me hope that I could open myself up and hopefully be deserving enough to have Claire give me all her heart once again.

I never thought I’d be happy in a woman’s bed or even come to one, save as a brute, blind with need. I had lived the past twelve years without a heart but it was finally back. Slowly, she stirred and I felt a panic creeping through my body. What if she regretted it? What if she would leave me again? But all my fears disappeared as soon as her whisky eyes looked at me sleepily, piercing my soul and her mouth curled up into a smile.

Claire kissed me then, slow and tender, the familiar taste of her lips flooding my mind with memories of us. Her hand explored my warm skin, taking notes of the new scars on my body – the ones she wasn’t here to heal. In the moonlight, her skin shone like ivory and felt like velvet, so soft and bonny. She wrapped a leg around my waist and slowly, so slowly, she let me slide home. In the comforting warmth of her body, my sanctuary.

We moved at a slow pace, eyes locked and tears escaping from the corners of our eyes. The hair on my skin prickled with delight and relief. I was intoxicated with Claire, with the need to possess her and to be possessed by her at the same time. I had craved her touch for so long, desired her body, longed for her love and here she was, flesh and bone, no more a ghost of my memory but an angel who came to rescue me, like she had the day she fell through the stones - _\- the day I met her._

The cold feel of the silver of her ring pressing on my skin reassured me that this wasn’t a dream. Claire was here, with me. My hands held her tight against my body, fingers squeezing and kneading the flesh on her arms, our legs tangled, not knowing where she ended and where I began. The only sound in the room was our breathless moans as we gave over to one another, tender and soft unlike our first coming together only hours ago.

We lay together, our bodies joined as one, finally home. Our souls returned to their rightful place and our hands lazily explored, marking our territory as we drifted into a dream filled sleep. I had no idea what the future holds and I’m sure Claire didn’t either but as long as we faced it together, I knew we would be fine.


	6. Sorcha

The feeling of Jamie’s warm breath against my neck slowly brought me out of slumber, the delightful ache in my body reminding me I had not spent the night alone. I had missed waking up with his toned body against mine, the curves perfectly molded for one another, as if arms wrapped around me with a careful yet protective embrace. I realised I hadn’t sleep this good since…well since the last time I shared a bed with him – over twelve years ago now.  I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had changed at first but I slowly realised my chest didn’t feel tight, I wasn’t suffocating anymore. **  
**

I watched him sleep for a little while, the slow rise of his chest with each breath reassuring me that he was indeed alive, and I wasn’t dreaming again. Jamie’s eyes opened, adjusting to the light of the early morning coming in and his confused expression quickly turned into a smile when he saw me. “Sassenach” He whispered, bringing my hand to his lips.

“You’re really here,” I said stupidly, touching his cheek for reassurance.

“Maybe I’m a ghost?” Jamie said softly, with a glint of humour in his voice.

“That’s actually not funny, Jamie” I looked at him, shaking my head with a smile. I ran my fingers on the fuzzy skin of his chin and we fell into silence again. We both knew the moment we would step out of this room, we would have to hide again and I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.

His lips touched mine and I melted, their taste bringing back so many memories. Kissing him thoroughly, I could feel his hand on the base of my back, pulling me closer.

I drew small circles on his chest as I rested my head on his shoulder, “What are we going to do now?” When he came into my room last night, the last thing I was expecting was to wake up lying naked next to him in bed.

Jamie sighed and my head rose with his chest, “I dinna ken, Sassenach. I canna leave the bairn…” he looked down at me, his chin tucked, “ye know that though.” Bending his head, he kissed me as his arms wrapped to envelope me.

“Yes, I do know that. We can’t leave Willie, nor would I want to or make you go through the pain of leaving another child.”

“But I canna leave ye either, not again. I wouldn’t survive this time” Jamie placed his lips to my forehead, a silent apology for the loss of our child. “For now, I just want to lie wi’ ye, Sassenach and hold ye in my arms. Make up for all those years we were apart. I dinna even think my marriage to Geneva is legal now that ye are here.”

“That is true, I do not believe it is and the prospect of leaving your arms right now doesn’t really appeal to me, anyway.” I shifted beside him and slid my hand down his chest and hovered over his pubic bone, “But…” I whispered, my voice suddenly lost, “we could do something else than just lay down.” I grinned and Jamie’s eyes caught the same twinkle and soon he was rolling over on top of me, his mouth pressing against the smooth skin of my stomach.

I couldn’t help but giggle as his tongue flicked over my belly button and his curls tickled against my thighs. Jamie’s hands pressed against the side of my arse as he held me down to the bed. In my dreams, I had felt him touch me as he does now, his large hands a constant weight on my belly and his tongue licking my most sensitive area. But in those dreams, I had never been able to touch him so I let my hands slide into his curls, almost crying from the sheer joy of having Jamie in my bed once again.

Jamie’s moans vibrated against me, sending shivers over my skin, the hairs raising on my body. I felt my toes curl as he dipped a finger inside and he swirled his tongue over my clit. My hand tugged on his curls, making him laugh. God, to hear him laugh after all these years was exhilarating and I never wanted it to stop.

But it did stop when a knock came from the door and he jumped, his face now resting on the inside of my thigh. “Sassenach,” he whispered and I think he must have been calling my name for some time because his tone was urgent and he was practically shaking my body out of its liquid state.

“Sassenach, there’s someone at yer door,” Jamie sat up and quickly retrieved his clothes from around the room.

Shaking my head to clear it from the after effects of my orgasm, I grabbed my robe from the end of the bed and slid it on and walked to the door. I looked behind me to see that Jamie wouldn’t be in view when I opened the door to find Eleanor standing in the hall with tears down her face. “It’s Lady Geneva” I had almost forgotten about her.

“She…she” Eleanor sobbed “She is in her bed. Unconscious and cold.” Dead.

“ I will be right there,” I said, practically closing the door at her face and turned, looking at Jamie.

“Christ,” he let out the breath he’d been holding and met my stare, “Is she dead then?”

“I need to see her first, Jamie.” My mind went blank, everything else shut off. I dressed quickly and was soon following Eleanor down the hall. I knew Jamie would be close behind, but of course, making sure to not be seen coming out of my room.

However much I wanted to help, as soon as I stepped across the threshold of her room, I knew the fate of Geneva.

I crossed the room slowly, careful not to disturb her family who was sitting near her lifeless body on the bed, each touching her in some small way, willing her to stay tethered to this earth.

“Doctor Beauchamp, thank God.” Isobel cried, “Is there anything at all to be done?” She was desperate for any sign of good news but I had known to offer.

Waiting to deliver the final confirmation, I pressed my fingers to her cold neck, trying to feel a pulse. Jamie once told me I have a glass face and by the fresh cries of Isobel, as I drew my hand away, I knew it to be true.

Just then, Jamie entered the room, slightly breathless. “Is she…” he dared not say the words – not here, not now.

I nodded silently, afraid to speak for fear that my own voice would tremble with a mix of guilt and shame. Perhaps if Jamie hadn’t come to my room last night, I could have saved her. But from the look of her… there was no way of knowing anything was remotely wrong. I ruled it as internal bleeding from the pregnancy. Apart from her extreme tiredness and her weak state, nothing else seemed amiss with Geneva the last I saw her. As a doctor, I should have known better.

Lady Dunsany collapsed on her daughter’s cold body and sobbed as I stepped back, taking a glance at Jamie. His face showed no emotions and I was afraid mine would betray me. I looked at Isobel and touched her shoulder gently – I knew her relationship with her sister had always been complicated but I could see the sorrow in her eyes.

Willie’s cry resonated in the hall and everyone turned towards the door. Clearing my throat, I said softly: “I will tend to him” Not waiting for a response, I disappeared from Geneva’s room and walked towards the nursery.

Looking over the cot at a crying William, my heart broke a little bit. I had no fondness of Geneva and from what I could see, she would have never been a good mother but she was so young. I picked him up and held him to my chest, patting his back gently. He had no mother… but he still had a father, who was also my husband. I didn’t know if I could ever bring myself to love Willie as my own but my love for Jamie apparently knew no bounds. We simply needed to figure out a way to solve everything, after all, to everyone else, my husband was Geneva’s widow now and in no way could we expose ourselves to the Dunsanys without being thrown out of the estate.

I seemed to be able to sooth Willie as his cries stopped the second his skin touched mine and he heard my voice softly singing a lullaby.  I watched his little face relax as he drifted back to sleep in my arms and I couldn’t help but smile.

Geneva was now out of the picture, I wondered what Jamie and I would do about our situation now but most importantly, I wondered when I would be alone with him again.

________

It wasn’t until three days after Geneva’s burial that I found Jamie on his own. He had been constantly surrounded by people since her passing. Questions about Willie and his inheritance was the main topic but also questions about whether Jamie would stay at Helwater.

I desperately wanted to leave, forget this place and all the pain it had brought me. But Jamie’s son was here. And Willie’s grandparents and aunt were here, we would never be able to go without Willie and it was out of the question to even try. After all, where else would we go?

“Jamie” I said softly, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his neck – no one could see us in my surgery “You’re not hurt, right?” I asked suddenly, worried.

“Nay, sassenach, I just needed to see ye”  His lips found mine for a lingering kiss, and their warmth made me forget where I was for a brief moment. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come before” Jamie whispered softly “I missed ye so, even more, when ye’re near me and I canna be wi’ ye.”

“You have not been left alone since Geneva’s passing” At the mention, his eyes drifted to the floor and I could tell something was amiss. “You feel it is your fault, don’t you?”

Nodding slowly, his voice was barely a whisper of shame “Aye, I killed her Claire. Ye said she died because of the birth, if she was pregnant in the first place it is because of me”

“Jamie” My hands cupped his cheeks and I lifted his face to look at me “Labour is always dangerous, even more in a century just like this. Internal bleeding is almost impossible to see and there is nothing we could have done about it. Now you have to think about Willie”

“And about us, aye” He added, tucking a curl behind my ear.  “Ye’re so good to Willie, watching ye wi’ him warms my heart, sassenach. I ken ye may no’ want to, but maybe one day,” he smoothed a loose curl behind my ear, “We can remarry, only because the folks here dinna think we’re married to begin wi’…We can be a family”  

I brought his hand up to my mouth and kissed his rough knuckles, “I would like that very much.”

“And then Willie could be ours, he could have a stepmother who may grow to love him.” His voice held hope, and what he didn’t know was that I already loved Willie, simply because he was a part of Jamie.

“In all this darkness, ye’re a glimmer. My sorcha” He pressed his hands on the small of my back and pulled me against him.

I held him then, tightly, and buried my face in the crook of his neck – at that moment, I wasn’t afraid because it was just the two of us.


	7. The Suitor

In the blink of an eye, I realised I had been at Helwater for almost two years, tending to people, taking care of William and secretly being married to Jamie. Our days were punctuated by quiet meetings in my surgery, letters passed through John or Isobel or even Jamie sneaking into my room during the night. After Geneva died, we had agreed to keep acting like two simple acquaintances in front of the rest of the estate so Jamie could keep William, and it seemed to be working so far. Another letter had come my way this morning and sitting at my desk, I fondly read his content. **  
**

> _Mo Nighean Donn,_
> 
> _I watched ye tending to William today, christ…ye are so beautiful and my heart is full to know ye are so good to him.  My hand aches to touch ye, claim ye as my wife. I promise, Sassenach, one day soon. Ye’ll be mine again for everyone to see. In the meantime, I will keep watching ye from afar, the sight of yer bony smile warming the coldest of bones, as if ye are the sun coming out on a cloudy day._
> 
> _Tha gaol agam ort._
> 
> _Forever yers, my own._
> 
> _Jamie._

Jamie’s chicken scratch was almost illegible, his hand still never fully recovered after the events at Wentworth Prison. But his words were a comfort to me, especially on days when I saw no end in sight to our deception.

I feared people knew about us – that we were married. John and Isobel knew of course at the time of my arrival, but my heart still raced every time we stole moments together, tucked away in a corridor. Or late nights when Jamie would join me in my room, our limbs tangled between the sheets. One day, he said… I was tired of waiting and yet, I couldn’t do much to change our situation…we both knew we would be thrown out of the estate never to see Willie again if the truth would come out.

My letters to Jamie were always less… eloquent I could never find the right words to express what I was feeling, not in the way that Jamie managed. He wrote from his heart so freely, and so open. I scrawled my response quickly, eager to hand off my letter to Isobel.

> _Darling,_
> 
> _I long for the days when I can take your hand in mine, to touch you just because I can. When you’re not with me, I dream of you. I dream of our life, and how different it will be to what we once imagined. And when I see William smile, it’s your smile that shines through, I love him as my own, Jamie – as I’ve told you time and time again. I love you darling with all my heart._
> 
> _With all my love,_
> 
> _Forever yours,_
> 
> _Claire_

_____

Lady Dunsany had requested me into the living room without giving me a reason whatsoever for it but when I saw Harold Grey sitting there, I almost fainted. He came by the estate often but the sight of him surprised me nonetheless. I thought she needed me to tend an injury or discuss her chronic back pain – as we usually did– but Lord Melton had never been present then and I didn’t know if I wanted to know why he was there today, a coy smile gracing his pale face.

Lady Dunsany stood by the window and turned around when she heard me walk in. Her face was removed of emotions which made my hands sweat – what was he doing here? I stood by the leather couch and smiled politely at him,  “Lord Melton.”

“Mistress Beauchamp,” he smiled and brought my hand to his lips. “Please sit down with us”

I nodded and simply sat down.

“You might be wondering, doctor Beauchamp, why it is that Lord Melton is here today.” Lady Dunsany took a seat on the couch opposite me.

“Well… yes.” I had spent time with Lord Melton during my time at Helwater but nothing had developed further than a friendship – even if he never forgot to flirt with me during his visits, always pretexting an ache or an illness.

Lady Dunsany looked over at Harold, and he rose from the couch, walking over to stand in front of me, his hands taking mine. “Mistress Beauchamp – Claire,” he smiled and my stomach twisted into knots. “We’ve grown into good friends these past two years and well I was thinking…” As Lord Melton’s knee dropped to the ground, so did my mouth. He held up a rather large ring, “Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I muttered under my breath. “Lord Melton, I am quite flattered…” I didn’t have time to deny his request that I was interrupted.

“Mistress Beauchamp!” Came a shocked voice from the doorway and I turned to find Jamie staring at the scene before him. Lord Melton on his knee, my hand dangling in the air. I saw a flash of anger cross his eyes and then panic – I did all I could to keep it together.

“Alex, Lord Melton was in the middle of something quite important” Lady Dunsany exclaimed bothered at the intrusion of her son-in-law.

“Yes, I do believe that’s quite right!” Harold huffed, glaring at my actual husband.

“I have something to say, as weel” Jamie said firmly, his eyes fixed on me as he made his way inside the room. I was still quite shocked at Lord Melton’s proposal and in no way was I going to accept it but I was also very afraid of what Jamie was about to do to Harold.

“I’ve developed – strong feelings for Mistress Beauchamp since Geneva’s passing,” he lied, looking at me, “And I dinna think ye should be marryin’ Lord Melton, Claire.” Jamie crossed the room, kneeling down next to Lord Melton. “Ye should marry me, my heart belongs to ye,  I see the way ye are towards my son who deserves a mother as good as ye and I can only hope ye are willing to open yer heart to me”

“Well dear, take your pick,” Louisa Dunsany said, looking at me quite amused. I almost burst into a laugh at the mischievous glint in Jamie’s eyes but I had to admit I was quite enjoying his little game. He knew I would never accept Lord Melton’s proposal and he had found the perfect occasion to finally claim me.

“Before Mistress Beauchamp decides” Lord Melton started, getting up “I demand a duel to win over her heart!”

Jamie got up at once “I will do no such thing.” He looked over at Lord Melton and I felt the tension between both men immediately.

“No.” I said firmly, crossing my arms in front of my chest “Harold, I do apologize but I do not want to marry you. Over my time spent here, I grew fond of Mister Mackenzie and his son and I am willing to accept his proposal.”

Jamie crossed his arms, his face full of pride but all too quickly, Lord Melton turned to Jamie, his first coming into contact with Jamie’s jaw. He let out a growling sound and before I could step in, he struck back Lord Melton.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! Will you two stop behaving like bloody children!” I stamped my foot on the ground, raising my voice to a very loud volume and the madness stopped at once – both men looking at me like deer caught in the light.

“I’m sorry Sass - Claire.” Jamie pressed his hand against his cheek, nursing his wound. I was quite pleased to see that Jamie got in a good punch at Lord Melton. If Harold had tried more advancements on me, it would probably have been my hand that was hitting him.

“Excuse me, Mistress Beauchamp… I got carried away” Lord Melton muttered, his eyes glued to the floor. “I do apologize most sincerely, I do not know what came over me.” Not wanting to be further embarrassed, Lord Melton excused himself, leaving the room with the shame of an Englishman and I waited to speak until I no longer heard his footsteps down the hall.

“Well that was quite dramatic,” I half laughed, my hand reaching up to touch Jamie’s bruised cheek.

“I daresay it was,” Lady Dunsany smiled, “If I had any notion of Alex’s feelings towards you, I would not have allowed Lord Melton to propose. After all, I had noticed for a little while the way my son in law has been looking at you and the way you’ve been towards my grandson”

“Did you?” I asked, trying to sound surprised “I had no notions, either” I lied with a smile, looking at Jamie “But I am pleased with it”

“Well then, I guess we have a wedding to plan!” Lady Dunsany grinned “Congratulations dear, I do have to admit I am glad Alex and William will now have someone to take care of them properly. Someone as kind and good as you are”

I was touched by her words, after all, I had to remind myself she was a mother too, who lost her child and she only wanted her grandson to grow up nursed by the love of a mother. “Thank you, truly, Lady Dunsany”

“I will leave you two, I think you have some things to talk about” She simply returned a warm smile and disappeared from the living room.  

It took all of two seconds for Jamie to close the space between us, slide his hands around my waist and press his mouth firmly to mine.

“Christ, Sassenach.” He moaned, placing reverent kisses along my neck. “I didna know what to do when I saw Lord Melton there on his knee.”

I placed both my hands on his cheeks, smoothing my thumbs over the stubbly skin. “You saved me from having to come up with an excuse not to marry him.”

“So yer only marryin’ me so ye dinna have to marry him, is that it?” His hands slid slowly down my back and settled on my arse, making me jump and press against him.

“We’re already married, you giant Scot!” I moved my hips against him, wanting more than anything to be rid of the thick layers between us.

“Aye, we are.” He kissed me thoroughly, “So when I touch yer round arse, it isna looked down upon.” He fondled said arse, squeezing and kneading me like fresh dough.

“Stop it,” I said in a weak attempt, “Someone could come in at any moment.”

Jamie grinned and stepped back “Aye, ye’re right. I wilna touch ye until we are wed…again”

“You have a deal” I grinned, kissing his cheek “Now I have to go and tend to people who are actually injured, Mister Mackenzie but put a cold cloth on your cheek before it turns blue”

“Go heal, mo chridhe” Jamie watched me proudly as I walked outside of the room. I couldn’t believe we would finally be able to be a married couple in broad daylight very soon.

______

The news of our impending nuptials was surprisingly well received on the estate. Over the years Lord Dunsany had learnt to appreciate Jamie – or Alex as he was known and called – and was thrilled that his grandson would grow up with a mother figure. Lord Dunsany and his wife firmly believed that’s what Geneva would have wanted for her child and husband – what they were not aware of was how much their late daughter despised her own child.

But Geneva wasn’t alive anymore and I was allowed to marry Jamie and to be his wife again. I had never stopped being his wife but I was happy to bear this title again to the eyes of others. The wedding would take place in a couple of weeks, in the little chapel in the village and Isobel promised me to help find a dress. For now, I was enjoying my walk in the garden with William, who was happily looking around, his big blue eyes fascinated at the sight of flowers and various birds. After some minutes outside, William has surrendered to slumber but I kept walking, watching his face and how much he looked like Jamie.

Thinking about Jamie, he walked out of the stables and his face illuminated once his eyes laid on me pushing the pram. “Sassenach, ye do look bonny”

“You look…disgusting” I teased, pointing at his dirt-smudged shirt and breeks.

“Ouch weel, I helped wi’ the horses, I probably reak too” He chuckled, walking over to me.

“You do,” I said with a smirk

“I wilna touch the bairn then, I dinna want him to think his Da isna clean”

“He is sound asleep and your smell doesn’t seem to bother him at the minute”

“May I accompany ye on yer wee walk, Mistress Beauchamp”

“You may” I smile and we started walking together,  while Jamie was pushing the pram, I held onto his arm and sighed happily. I cherished every quiet moment I had with him by my side because I knew all too well how painful it was when he wasn’t around. Those memories didn’t pain me as much as it once had because, after all the pain and the heartbreak that happened to Jamie and me, I still would have made the same choices.

 After all, we were bound for life, no matter how much the universe tried to pull us apart, we always managed to find our way back to one another – no matter the time or the place – he was my heart and I was his.

_And that, until the day we would both draw our last breath._


	8. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is Glimmer In The Shadow's Epilogue! Thank you to everyone who read this story and left feedback and kudos. <3

I often think about the day I had to leave Jamie to go back to the twentieth century – a place where I thought I belonged until I realized my place was back in the past with him. I remember the misty day and the feeling I felt deep down in my gut. How was I going to say goodbye to the love of my life, knowing he was going to die and I would never be able to see him again? With his deep blue eyes, his fiery red hair or simply the way he loved me, like no one else never had and never would. I never thought I’d see Jamie again but what I had learnt since I met him, all those years ago, was how unexpected things were when it came to him and me.

Now here I was, running Helwater alongside Jamie and gazing over our chubby little miracle –  _Elias Quentin Fraser._  I stroked his cheek with the tip of my finger and he smiled, that gummy smile that only babies have. “Hello there darling,” I smiled and heard the far-off shouts of Jamie and Willie.

Walking further through the garden, I came out to the open field where Jamie was teaching the twins to ride on their ponies – the twins, our two fiery red-haired daughters, both five years old and as fearless as their father. I knew Jamie was thrilled that Elena and Julia were old enough to get on a horse, even if the horse was roughly the same size as them.

“Mother Claire!” Willie waved and came running over to me, at ten years old, Willie was growing into a fine young boy, with the colouring of his mother but with the characteristics of his father.

“Aww, hello baby brother,” he kissed Elias on the cheek and smiled. “Da says Julia is learning really quickly but Elena keeps falling off the horse.” He laughed and we both looked over and watched Jamie hold the reigns of both ponies.

As I watched Jamie with the twins, I was suddenly struck by the memory of our second wedding day, almost eight years ago now. It had been a small affair, only the Dunsany’s and John Grey in attendance but our vows meant as much  
– maybe even more – than they did the first time.

> _“Ye are blood of my blood,” Jamie held his wrist over mine, just as he had done during our first marriage, “And bone of my bone,” he smiled._
> 
> _“I give you my body, that we two might be one. I give you my spirit until our life shall be done.” I finished and gripped his arm tight._
> 
> _“Aye, ‘til our life shall be done.” Jamie pulled me to him, kissing me as if it was the first. And in a way it was… the first of our new life – together and free._

The Dunsany’s were a bit nervous about Jamie and I performing a blood oath at our wedding but we were both adamant that it be included. We avoided telling them that we already both had scars from the first oath.

It wasn’t long after our wedding, that the Lady and Lord Dunsany were killed in a horrible carriage accident. This left the estate of Helwater to William and until he was old enough… to us. It was a bit overwhelming at first, managing such a large estate. But with Isobel and John’s help, I found my footing and soon Jamie did as well. It was also a relief to finally be able to be Mrs Fraser after all those years – and not Mackenzie. William would grow up as a Fraser and so would our children.

> _“Sassenach,” Jamie reached for my hand as walked through the doors of what was now our estate. “I dinna know how to run an estate as large as this, Lallybroch was a wee bit smaller, ye ken.” He half laughed but I saw the fear in his eyes. Fear of failure, of letting everyone down – me, his son._
> 
> _“Jamie, we will figure this out together.” I put my hand on his chest and looked up into his eyes, “We’ve been living here for years, surely we’ve picked up on a few things.” I brought my hand up to stroke his cheek and his body eased at once._
> 
> _“I ken we can do anythin’ mo cridhe, we may ever start our family here.” He kissed me, his hand sliding around my waist._
> 
> _“Yes. Perhaps sooner than you think.”_
> 
> _Jamie looked at me dubiously, then, until I smiled and he silently understood what I was telling him. “Christ, sassenach” His hand carefully touched my stomach and I simply nodded, a tear strolling down my cheek. Jamie kissed me tenderly and held me close in silence, years of grief and despair slowly disappearing to make space for new beginnings._

Even now, when I catch myself looking at my husband or our children, I still cannot fully believe this is my life – a life I dreamt of every night but never thought I would have. We were happy here, and most importantly, safe.

“Mummy, look!” Julia chanted happily, holding the reign and guided by Jamie “I’m on the horse!”

“Aye, sassenach” Jamie grinned “We’ve got a wee horsewoman on our hands”

“I am not very good at this” Elena sighed, demanding for her father to remove her from the pony. “I prefer sitting down and reading with mam.” She said while making her way to me and joining me on the stairs. 

“Don’t worry love, I’m not very good on horses either” I said with a smile, bending to kiss her head. I watched as one of my daughters was lovingly gazing at her baby brother while the other, alongside Willie, happily joined Jamie on his horse for their afternoon ride.

“We’ll be back in a bit, sassenach!” Jamie said loudly as the horse receded away in the fields.

Elena looked up at me and made a face, “Horses stink mam.”

I chuckled softly “Let’s go inside and wash your hands, my love.  There are fresh scones in the kitchen and strawberry jam”

The simple mention of warm scones illuminated my daughter’s face and I watched as she happily made her way inside the house, red curls bouncing on her head.

_______

One night while laying in our bed, safe and content, I looked up at Jamie and he had a rather mischievous expression on his face.

“I’ve got a wee surprise for ye Sassenach,” Jamie smiled, his eyebrow quirking up.

“Hmm, what is it, darling?” I kissed his mouth, still feeling languid from our previous encounter.

He sat up in the bed, his warmth rapidly fading as his arms left their spot on my body, and stood to his feet. “Follow me,” he held out his hand which I accepted, and slowly stood to my feet, immediately wrapping my arms around his waist.

“Where are we going?” I asked as he led us through the hall.

“Dinna ask questions, Sassenach. Ye’ll find out soon enough,” he laughed, squeezing me to his side and finally we rounded the corner and we walked into a tiled room. And in the middle of the room was a very large basin.

“Is that –”

“A bath? Aye, it is, I knew there was one here but never found the right time to tell ye. And I thought ye might enjoy a wee bath.” He kissed my temple and I leaned against him.

“Only if you join me,” I looked up and met his mischievous smile.

“Och, no’ just yet, Sassenach.” His hands found the strings of my shift and pulled them loose, “I want to watch ye, and then maybe I’ll think about joinin’ ye.” His blue eyes had turned a darker shade and my belly was doing flips at the way he was looking at me.

“So it’s going to be like that is it?” I winked and shimmied my shoulders so that my shift fell around my feet and I stood before him naked.

“Aye, ‘tis like that.” His breath hitched as reached for my hand and led me to the bath where the water was already steaming. Jamie had obviously arranged for this much earlier because we had been laying together in bed all morning.

He helped me step into the bath and I sighed at the hot water on my skin. It was rare I knew, to have water this temperature in this century, let alone this much of it. As I settled back against the basin, I turned my head to look at Jamie who had stepped away and was indeed watching me, leaning against the wall.

“How long until you join me?” I bit my lip, and brought one foot out of the water and set it on the edge of the basin.

“No’ long, Sassenach. No’ wi’ yer wee nipples staring at me like that.” He licked his lips, his arms crossed in front of his chest. If it was a show he wanted, then a show he would get.

I let my hand lazily drift over my breasts and I heard him draw in a breath. Continuing with my movements I moved my finger in a slow circle around my nipple. “Dinna do that,” he said from his corner, “I want to be the one to touch ye, Sassenach.”

“So I can’t even touch myself…” I dipped my hand deeper into the water, between my legs and he took a clumsy step forward to get a better look, “down here?”

He shook his head slowly, “No,” he stammered, “No, especially no’ down there.” I continued to move my fingers against the inside of my parted thighs, waiting for him to stop me but he only kept staring, his mouth agape.

“And I can’t do this?” I slid my finger against my slit, moaning from my own touch. Jamie moved closer and sat on his knees, eyes glued in between my legs and what my hand was doing.

“Dinna stop,” he whispered and I giggled but propped my other leg up on the tub and slid one finger slowly inside of me. Moans came out of both our mouths and I met his eyes and smiled.

I slid another finger in and shut my eyes, that’s what pushed him to reach into the bath and grab me by the shoulders, forcefully lifting me up and out of the bath, splashing water everywhere.

“Christ! Ye wee temptress,” Jamie kissed me on the mouth, his own mouth as hot as my body was. His clothes were now wet, clinging to his body as he pressed mine to him.

“Take off these clothes,” I moaned, trying to pull at the wet fabric. He untied his breeks which he had hastily put on to walk us to the bath and I pulled at his shirt. Jamie slid his hands around my waist and kissed me again, his tongue colliding with mine.

He walked us backwards until I was standing with my back to the wall, water dripping to the floor. “Ye canna be touchin’ yerself like that and no’ expect me to do sometin’ about it, Sassenach.” Jamie kissed along my neck and pushed both my hands above my head, holding them to the wall.

I spread my legs and his hands immediately went to the backs of my thighs and helped lift me onto him. I slid down onto his cock all while wrapping my legs around his waist. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I cried out and let my head fall back against the wall.

Jamie’s mouth was on mine and my body was still wet from the bath which made our love making hot and slippery. “It feels so good to have ye like this, Mrs. Fraser.” He chuckled from deep in his chest and thrust upwards.

“I’ll have you any way I can Mr. Fraser.” I kissed him and pressed myself to him, begging for him to have me deeper, harder, faster.

“God I do love you, Claire.” He spread his hands along my back and held me to him as I rode against his body, enjoying the feeling of having my husband with me, like this… after so many long years.

That night, As I drifted to sleep, held tightly and safely in my husband’s arms, I dreamt of a time when I touched a stone and heard a buzzing, I felt the wind rise and I fell into the abyss – I didn’t know it then, but I know it now, I was catching up to my destiny to meet a tall and dashing highlander who swept me off my feet and with whom I would spend the rest of my days. 

_**The end.** _


End file.
